Thought

Starting my new job tomorrow. As usual I feel like I'm up a creek without a paddle, drifting further and further away from my life's goals. Turns out coming home wasn't the quick fix I thought it would be. Now I need just one thing to go right. Fingers crossed for a research job. That's all.

Almost 9 months to the day since I got here, I'm packing again, leaving again. This time I hope to completely unpack, to put all my clothes in a closet, let my suitcases gather dust, find a job I love, a man to love, all the things that have seemed impossible all this time. For so long now I've been living on what can fit in two bags, settling down only to say goodbye again. It feels like I'm making a mistake, but that's how it always feels. There are so many thoughts in my head now, about career and relationships and life in general that I find it hard to straighten it out or even put it down on paper. So right now I'm concentrating on cleaning up this mess of a room which currently looks like a shipping warehouse, with boxes full of shoes and assorted electronic equipment, most of which are not mine might I add. I'm going to feel like Santa Claus when I get home. As for the rest, it'll keep til Tuesday.

with(out) you

I smile,
as you plan for your future,
the one without me in it.
I wish you well.
And behind closed doors
I systematically destroy
the shaky dreams I had built
of a future with you,
and lay the foundation
for my own castle in the sky,
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