Liberté

Limbo
As I was falling asleep last night I thought to myself, if I were to go to sleep and never wake up, if this was the end, I would be ok with that. Which was a strange thought, frightening in its sincerity.

If everyone goes through a phase of existential angst in life, I'm going through mine right now. Why am I here, what purpose do I have, what is the ultimate goal? There is, I've found, absolutely nothing that I look forward to. Every day is like being in limbo; I don't want the next day to begin and when it does, I just want it to be night so I can go back to sleep, to think of nothing, if only for a few blissful hours. The new year does not bring hope, there is no list of resolutions, nothing I want to achieve, because I don't see the point anymore. It's like this dreary cycle, an endless, dry, dusty road and I'm the world weary traveler, plodding along. There is no path less traveled, no choice but forward, always forward but never up. The word that to me best describes the feeling is an old textbook one, sasara kalakirila; it's the word they used to describe what Prince Siddhartha felt, as he sat in his palace, surrounded by naked, sleeping dancing girls, and thought, what is the point? That's how I feel, what is the point of all this?

Purpose
I thought I had one. Family, friends, a job. I have it and yet there is no satisfaction. None of these things I have give me any satisfaction. It has been a strange few months, a time of highest highs and lowest lows, of finding and losing, culminating in this final sense of.. nothing.

Birth is suffering
To be born is to suffer. With death there is release. It's ironic that at this time I would turn to religion for an answer. Ironic because I want to write the word down on paper and cross it out with a black marker, so that it wouldn't exist, so that I could bring back the joy of a time when I didn't know that what I believed in mattered. I believe in Buddhism, in its fundamental teachings and principles, and yet, in order to believe I have to accept the never ending cycle of rebirth, infinite until the final release. And just the thought of it tires me. You mean when this is all over I’ll have to do it all over again?
Someone told me I’m going to hell. Not in a jovial, I’ll see you there type way, but with all the conviction of his faith. And it took my breath away. But what to you is fire and brimstone, to me is having to do this all over again. Either way, I’m damned.

Meditation
We are taught two forms: Samadhi for concentration, vipassana for insight. I don’t know how to do either one. Maybe that is my next step; learning to control the mind, the senses, my thoughts and feelings. I suppose there is an innate pleasure to be derived from being in control of what you feel. Insight and mindfulness are key to nirvana. That might be too far reaching for me at the moment. But maybe that is my purpose, my road less traveled; to try to find out what this all means, where this all ends, to understand things as there are, not as they seem. To know what freedom means. I must try.

New birth
My nephew was born on Christmas eve. A tiny thing with a full head of black hair and mischievous eyes and perfection in every tiny finger and toe. And I watched his mother watch him, her eyes never leaving his face, and I watched my cousin walk around the room looking like he could conquer the world, and I watched this little baby, his eyes wide with the wonder of the world, and I thought welcome, and good luck.

Let Down

Fragments
Memories
Words
Black on white
Emails
Text messages
Love
Kisses
Tears
Remembering
That
After all
I just wasn't worth
The fight.

I would have fought for you.

All I Want for Christmas..

I apologize to all my readers for being unbearably emo the last few weeks. Self pity is not an emotion I am fond of wallowing in and hopefully from here on things will be cheerier here at Dance in a Triangle.

Christmas is almost here, the new year is around the corner, and by the looks of it, someone up there has a nasty sense of humor. What is usually my favorite month of the year has been an utter mess, and I blame it all on circumstance. I have been thinking some deep thoughts as of late, (deep for me, you understand, since all I ever really think about is shoes) and I've been trying to find the time and place and words to put them in order, here on the blog. Hopefully, that will come around soon, since writing has always been cathartic for me. But with Christmas a few days away, I thought I'd send in my wish list..

Dear Santa,

I hope this finds you well. I haven't been particularly good this year, but I haven't been particularly bad either, so I hope you've got some space in your bag for one present for me.

All I want for Christmas is for you to promise me that next year won't be as bad as it is in my head right now.

You see, I'll be leaving home soon. It's one of the hardest things I'll have to do, because I have family here, and friends, and a great job and home and dogs. And weather and food. And now I have to leave it all behind to not just face reality, but face the reality. I know you know what I'm talking about. In my head, every day will be a little piece of hell. Of course I'm better than the infamous ostrich at burying my head in the sand and pretending everything's ok. And of course I will continue to do that when I get there, but it just gets harder every time, and I doubt this time will be any different. So, I'm scared. Scareder than when I'm home alone and I hear noises outside. And you know how scary that is for me. Also, I just lost the one person that was keeping the scary thoughts at bay, so, suffice to say, I'm terrified of what's coming,

So for Christmas this year I don't want clothes or shoes or to find true love or world peace or decreased global warming. I just want next year to not suck.

K thanks.

Smooches,

T

Quest

There is a fine line
between heaven and hell
often blurred,
mostly invisible.

The question
why
always why
goes unanswered
How do you believe
when there is nothing to believe?
How do you trust the unknown?

I have to go soon
I have to leave
This place
Them
Him
I have to start over
Always, over.

Yet all I want is slow
calm
deep
comfort;
peace,
of the lasting kind.

(re)evaluate

Yesterday I saw a Paradise Fly Catcher in the garden. That's when I woke up to the fact that Decemeber is here and the year is almost over, when the migratory birds start turning up in the garden. There's a whole array of them, none of who's names I know, but in all shapes and colors, singing their mad, glad songs. It's great waking up to that, for that moment when I stand by my window and take in the blue blue sky and the greenery and the fresh morning smell, and try not to think that soon I'll be in snow country.

I hurt all over when I think of leaving again. Of packing up, saying goodbye, the words that cannot be said, the things that cannot be done. Of finding someone just to have to let go of him, too soon, always too soon.

But Christmas is a happy time. Friends are home, the weather is divine, there's alcohol and food and carols and smiles. Whenever I feel the weight of yet another new start press down on me, I just turn up the music and think happy thoughts. And there are plenty of those as well. This year has been good to me. Bad in many ways but good in many more. It will soon draw to a close, prompting those parting thoughts, those last minute regrets, the promises to do better; those lists I make in my head, to lose weight, to read more, to gain perspective, to work harder; all of which will slowly, alas, lose enthusiasm and energy towards the end of January.

Life post-graduation hasn't provided me with the aim and drive I thought it would. I'm not out on the streets career-hunting with vigor. In fact, I'm constantly thinking and re-thinking every facet of my life. And there are so many questions. That existential angstI need to find focus, find faith, find passion and drive and energy and goals. I need a pick me up, a swift kick in the rear.