I sit on the sand, my toes digging into the golden brown grains, my fingers unconsciously sifting and stroking. It's noon and the tide is high, the water a moody gray, rising up in anger and then falling in a mediocre attempt at drama; not an angry man, just a petulant teenager. There is a strong breeze blowing in from the sea; the tiny fishing boat in the distance dances on the waves, a similar dance to the coconut fronds at my back. My hair whips across my face, the strands yanked out of my messy ponytail to tickle my ear. In the contrariness that is so common in the natural world, the noon sun shines brightly down on me, warming my back, browning my skin.
**
There are times I lie awake at night missing the lights; the sights, sounds and smells of a world constantly on the move, my people who have music in their hearts and laughter on their lips. This is not one of those times. As I lie back on the sand, the water lapping at my toes, I am heart glad that I am here. Five days a week I am constantly surrounded by the fear that I may never move up, never move on, dogged by anxiety and loneliness. But in this time, in this place, I am at ease.
**
I think about him all the time. But I think about him less. It may be that being in love with the idea of a person is harder to get over than the person himself. I lost myself to be with him, forgot myself, forgot who I was. The remembering, the relearning, is a novel experience. I may not be as bad as I had believed myself to be. I dreamed of him last night, in bright colour and vivid emotion, and the smile was the same and the happiness was the same. Then I woke up, and in the cruel irony that is so common to the heart, the sadness was the same. The forgetting of you is taking a long time, but one day you won't be able to hurt me anymore.
**
The ocean, in all its vastness, is my soulmate. It's hard to feel lonely here. My hands don't feel empty, my heart doesn't feel lost. What does a small island have that a big city doesn't? It has a sun that warms you to the bone, a breeze that soothes. A peace that heals.
Jul 23, 2009
Jul 22, 2009
Shades of Gray
Us of the nonexistent social life went to watch a play last Friday, Sathya by WSG. The play, in a nutshell, was about a married woman, who was bisexual, cheating on her husband with another woman, and trying to explain the whole thing to her very straight, very conventional friend.The acting in itself wasn't stellar but definitely passionate. What was more important was that it raised enough issues for an engaging debate afterward with the audience; issues that we don't often see discussed openly.
If the idea was to address societal views on sexuality or homosexuality specifically, then I think it was successful. Duty vs desire. If you desire someone while you are in a marriage, should you stay or should you go? Is it your duty to stay in an unhappy marriage or is it your duty to be true to yourself? If you go, are you being selfish? If you stay, are you being selfish? What happens when you throw sexuality into the mix? The man-woman-other man heterosexual adultery thing is done to death, but what happens when its man-woman-other woman? How does a man react to that? I'd assume the reaction would be different than if you were to find that your wife is cheating on you with another man.
The question of parental reaction was also brought up, portrayed well, I thought, by Niluka Gunawardena. It's hard enough that you're dealing with your sexuality, and now you've found someone you want to be with, how do you tell your parents? Case in point, when I got home my grandmother asked me what the play was about and I said lesbians, just to see her reaction. She gave me the look and went all tch! That said, there were a lot of older people in the audience participating in the discussion, which I thought was a refreshing change.
I would have liked to have seen the characters a little more confused about their sexual identity. Or maybe the idea wasn't about addressing identity issues at all? Everyone seemed very established and comfortable with who they were; in fact, the only confusion seen was in the husband who was like 'what is she giving you that I'm not' which was kind of heartbreaking but also kind funny, but probably only because I have a dirty mind.
I'm not sure exactly which issue they meant to address or if the idea was to target a range of issues. For me, the main theme boiled down to the idea of marriage, and if the institution of marriage in itself makes any sense at all. Does monogamy pertain to us in present society? In fact, was monogamy ever meant to be imposed upon humans? Not monogamy vs. polygamy but more of should monogamy be a legal institution or should it be just an understanding between two people, so that when the time comes, you're free to go your separate ways? But if you take away marriage as an institution, then what happens to the family unit? What happens to the kids?
All in all, a very interesting night, and I would like to see the discussion taken into a larger space where all the voices are not of those sympathetic to the cause (I'm pretty sure cause is not the PC word to use there). And I'll probably get in trouble for saying this but Rajiv Ponweera is dead sexy.
If the idea was to address societal views on sexuality or homosexuality specifically, then I think it was successful. Duty vs desire. If you desire someone while you are in a marriage, should you stay or should you go? Is it your duty to stay in an unhappy marriage or is it your duty to be true to yourself? If you go, are you being selfish? If you stay, are you being selfish? What happens when you throw sexuality into the mix? The man-woman-other man heterosexual adultery thing is done to death, but what happens when its man-woman-other woman? How does a man react to that? I'd assume the reaction would be different than if you were to find that your wife is cheating on you with another man.
The question of parental reaction was also brought up, portrayed well, I thought, by Niluka Gunawardena. It's hard enough that you're dealing with your sexuality, and now you've found someone you want to be with, how do you tell your parents? Case in point, when I got home my grandmother asked me what the play was about and I said lesbians, just to see her reaction. She gave me the look and went all tch! That said, there were a lot of older people in the audience participating in the discussion, which I thought was a refreshing change.
I would have liked to have seen the characters a little more confused about their sexual identity. Or maybe the idea wasn't about addressing identity issues at all? Everyone seemed very established and comfortable with who they were; in fact, the only confusion seen was in the husband who was like 'what is she giving you that I'm not' which was kind of heartbreaking but also kind funny, but probably only because I have a dirty mind.
I'm not sure exactly which issue they meant to address or if the idea was to target a range of issues. For me, the main theme boiled down to the idea of marriage, and if the institution of marriage in itself makes any sense at all. Does monogamy pertain to us in present society? In fact, was monogamy ever meant to be imposed upon humans? Not monogamy vs. polygamy but more of should monogamy be a legal institution or should it be just an understanding between two people, so that when the time comes, you're free to go your separate ways? But if you take away marriage as an institution, then what happens to the family unit? What happens to the kids?
All in all, a very interesting night, and I would like to see the discussion taken into a larger space where all the voices are not of those sympathetic to the cause (I'm pretty sure cause is not the PC word to use there). And I'll probably get in trouble for saying this but Rajiv Ponweera is dead sexy.
Jul 15, 2009
Economic Woes
You know, I always thought I didn't need money. I'm very low maintenance when it comes to material possessions. When people ask me what I want for my bday I can never think of anything, cause, could it be, I already have most things I need. But here I am, smackbang in the middle of a financial meltdown.
When I first started working and they told me what my salary would be, I was like ok thats fine. I live with my parents, everything is paid for, all I need is money for booze, clothes and cellphone bills, which isn't really that much (my cellphone costs, or lack thereof, are legendary). So when I was handed my paycheque last Friday you would imagine that I happily proceeded to the bank and deposited it, being the saver that I am.
Well, first lets talk about what was in the cheque. My salary being X, imagine my surprise when the written amount was X-3000. Turns out they deduct money for sick leave. SICK LEAVE. Oh I see, so next time I'll just come to work then and create an epidemic but who cares, as long as I get paid what I was promised. This, from the very people who leave no room to enter overtime in the timesheet. So I come in an hour before I'm supposed to, I leave two hours after I'm supposed to and I don't get paid for that, oh no, but a doctor's visit I'm punished for? I see how it is.
On top of that, you're supposed to bring a cake to work on your birthday. Wtf. Is this grade 9 then? I can't afford a cake on the peanuts you give me. And I do mean peanuts. When my father saw my cheque he laughed so hard I thought he would die. And then he said, I pay more in taxes. Yes, he's a lovely man. Anyway, so I'm reminded about this damn cake every fucking day til I finally bring it and then it's oh no someone brought a cake, what about my diet? Maybe you should have thought of that, fatty, before forcing me to spend an eighth of my savings on a damn cake that you are now complaining about.
The buying of the cake in itself wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been doing my accounts over the weekend, and suddenly realized I had a $300 credit card bill due. When you're earning in rupees and paying in dollars, things stop looking rosy. And then you realize that eventually when you go back to NY, what may have looked a tidy little sum in rupees is now pauper's fare in dollars and how the hell are you gonna afford.. anything?
On top of that, I had decided to put away a large portion of my salary every month in a separate account, so that if one night, in a fit of drunken madness, I decide to buy the whole bar a round of drinks, I don't wake up the next morning with a hangover and bankruptcy. This leaves me with.. virtually no spending money. Which, frankly, I'm ok with, because I don't have anything to spend on. If you think about it, nights out are free for girls here, and the only thing you'd really spend on would be drinks and I'm not such an alcoholic that I need booze for a good night out; good music will do the same thing for me. But I forgot to factor in social pressure. Case in point, I went out last Saturday with my cousins. Being aware of my shaky financial situation, I politely declined to drink that night. Which, for anyone who knows me, is a stunner, so now there are all these questions. What's wrong, why arn't you drinking, are you sick etc etc. I shrug. Buuttt vaaai? JUST. So then M goes don't be silly, drinks on me, which makes me feel bad so I offer to buy the next round and now I've ended up spending TWICE as much as if I had just bought myself a drink in the first place. Balls.
I'm ranting and I know it. I've turned into a penny pincher and I know it. But starting off in poverty isn't my idea of a bright future. If you know where I work you will understand the irony. Bottom line is this: if you ask me out for drinks, I'll come but I won't drink. If you ask me out for dinner, I'll be having the soup. If you ask me out for a pretentious coffee, I'll laugh at you. Hopefully this will all bode well for my diet. And if anyone is thinking cheap, stingy or anything along those lines, I can't promise your safety from physical assault, because no money plus ridiculous heat makes me a very very angry person.
When I first started working and they told me what my salary would be, I was like ok thats fine. I live with my parents, everything is paid for, all I need is money for booze, clothes and cellphone bills, which isn't really that much (my cellphone costs, or lack thereof, are legendary). So when I was handed my paycheque last Friday you would imagine that I happily proceeded to the bank and deposited it, being the saver that I am.
Well, first lets talk about what was in the cheque. My salary being X, imagine my surprise when the written amount was X-3000. Turns out they deduct money for sick leave. SICK LEAVE. Oh I see, so next time I'll just come to work then and create an epidemic but who cares, as long as I get paid what I was promised. This, from the very people who leave no room to enter overtime in the timesheet. So I come in an hour before I'm supposed to, I leave two hours after I'm supposed to and I don't get paid for that, oh no, but a doctor's visit I'm punished for? I see how it is.
On top of that, you're supposed to bring a cake to work on your birthday. Wtf. Is this grade 9 then? I can't afford a cake on the peanuts you give me. And I do mean peanuts. When my father saw my cheque he laughed so hard I thought he would die. And then he said, I pay more in taxes. Yes, he's a lovely man. Anyway, so I'm reminded about this damn cake every fucking day til I finally bring it and then it's oh no someone brought a cake, what about my diet? Maybe you should have thought of that, fatty, before forcing me to spend an eighth of my savings on a damn cake that you are now complaining about.
The buying of the cake in itself wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been doing my accounts over the weekend, and suddenly realized I had a $300 credit card bill due. When you're earning in rupees and paying in dollars, things stop looking rosy. And then you realize that eventually when you go back to NY, what may have looked a tidy little sum in rupees is now pauper's fare in dollars and how the hell are you gonna afford.. anything?
On top of that, I had decided to put away a large portion of my salary every month in a separate account, so that if one night, in a fit of drunken madness, I decide to buy the whole bar a round of drinks, I don't wake up the next morning with a hangover and bankruptcy. This leaves me with.. virtually no spending money. Which, frankly, I'm ok with, because I don't have anything to spend on. If you think about it, nights out are free for girls here, and the only thing you'd really spend on would be drinks and I'm not such an alcoholic that I need booze for a good night out; good music will do the same thing for me. But I forgot to factor in social pressure. Case in point, I went out last Saturday with my cousins. Being aware of my shaky financial situation, I politely declined to drink that night. Which, for anyone who knows me, is a stunner, so now there are all these questions. What's wrong, why arn't you drinking, are you sick etc etc. I shrug. Buuttt vaaai? JUST. So then M goes don't be silly, drinks on me, which makes me feel bad so I offer to buy the next round and now I've ended up spending TWICE as much as if I had just bought myself a drink in the first place. Balls.
I'm ranting and I know it. I've turned into a penny pincher and I know it. But starting off in poverty isn't my idea of a bright future. If you know where I work you will understand the irony. Bottom line is this: if you ask me out for drinks, I'll come but I won't drink. If you ask me out for dinner, I'll be having the soup. If you ask me out for a pretentious coffee, I'll laugh at you. Hopefully this will all bode well for my diet. And if anyone is thinking cheap, stingy or anything along those lines, I can't promise your safety from physical assault, because no money plus ridiculous heat makes me a very very angry person.
Jul 1, 2009
The Acquisition of a Dog
First of all, Praveen has passed on. If you could all take a moment to grieve.. I believe he died of a broken heart. The person I left him with said he moped around and then went into his shell and days later floated out, dead. The poor baby.
On a brighter note, we finally got a new puppy. I'd been wanting one, and being the sly dog that I am, worked it so that the grandmother would think it was she that wanted one in the first place. I should probably add that all dogs mentioned in this blog are in fact hers, we just provide the lovin. Anyway, when my brother and sister came down, they totally backed the idea too, and we set to pouring over newspapers etc for pups. We didn't really care what kind as long as it was cute, so this Sunday the animal welfare place had put an ad in the papers and we went for a look-see.
The horror.
The place was full of mangy para dogs lounging about, smelling like god only knows what. Sheesh. I had totally imagined nicely organized kennels, with clean, if maybe a bit thin, dogs, nicely separated and cataloged. Yeah, I was wrong. So at Ach's insistence we all gingerly step into the place, images of being mauled by rabid mangy mutts running through my head. There were dogs of all sizes running around everywhere, and then we saw the one. All white with brown ears and the most adorable eyes. Of course, in that mess, I was all for high tailing it outta there, but I guess Ach liked her, so we took her. On the way home she pooped on my brother. Tee hee. Now I'll put some pictures but don't judge her ok. She's still kinda thin and a dog had attacked her in that hellhole so she has a small wound. Just focus on how cute she is.
Coming home in the back of the truck, pre-poop.
On a brighter note, we finally got a new puppy. I'd been wanting one, and being the sly dog that I am, worked it so that the grandmother would think it was she that wanted one in the first place. I should probably add that all dogs mentioned in this blog are in fact hers, we just provide the lovin. Anyway, when my brother and sister came down, they totally backed the idea too, and we set to pouring over newspapers etc for pups. We didn't really care what kind as long as it was cute, so this Sunday the animal welfare place had put an ad in the papers and we went for a look-see.
The horror.
The place was full of mangy para dogs lounging about, smelling like god only knows what. Sheesh. I had totally imagined nicely organized kennels, with clean, if maybe a bit thin, dogs, nicely separated and cataloged. Yeah, I was wrong. So at Ach's insistence we all gingerly step into the place, images of being mauled by rabid mangy mutts running through my head. There were dogs of all sizes running around everywhere, and then we saw the one. All white with brown ears and the most adorable eyes. Of course, in that mess, I was all for high tailing it outta there, but I guess Ach liked her, so we took her. On the way home she pooped on my brother. Tee hee. Now I'll put some pictures but don't judge her ok. She's still kinda thin and a dog had attacked her in that hellhole so she has a small wound. Just focus on how cute she is.
Coming home in the back of the truck, pre-poop.
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